My mom was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s when she was 62. She died one week into the pandemic lockdown at 71 years old. I was responsible for her care for the last three years of her life, and it affected how I live my life greatly. Unlike “traditional” Alzheimer’s Disease, early onset is genetic. It’s possible my mom shared this gene with me, and there’s nothing I can really do about that. This thought just kept poking at the back of my brain, “what if…what if…what if…” I started following those “what if” thoughts, and they slowly changed from “what if I get sick” to “what if I never…” When I first started taking care of her, I was 48 years-old and dreading 50. I did the math and realized that if I carried the gene, there aren’t a lot of years between 48 and 62. I asked myself whether or not I wanted to spend those years in fear, settling for less than I deserve, and not being my authentic self. The answer was a resounding “No!” So, I got to work.
The first thing I did was spend a year taking inventory and taking out the trash. It was like Marie Kondo-ing my life. I let go of friendships that were toxic, resigned from boards and commitments that only drained my energy, left a very unhappy marriage, and changed jobs. People accused me of going crazy, but, really, I was going sane. Once I understood what I didn’t want and removed it, I had created space to figure out what I did want and to fill my life with those things. This was even scarier than letting go of the things that weren’t serving me. I call this process soul questing.
The first thing I did was open myself up to new experiences and new relationships. How could I possibly figure out what I wanted unless I experimented with new ideas and people? I tried to say, “YES!” to as many things as possible. I traveled. I read. I took classes in resiliency. I made new friends. I developed a crush on a man who I only knew on Facebook and I thought was all wrong for me…too young, way too handsome, too cool, he has facial hair and I hate facial hair. But, what I was really feeling was that I was too old, too not cool, too unattractive, too “plump.” When he sent me a message thanking me for supporting one of his events, I stared at it for a long time while I reminded myself about who I was trying to be before I wrote back, “It’s because I have an internet crush on you.” Long story short, he’s now my husband and my biggest fan and supporter.
As I approached 50, I decided to make a bucket list of 40 things I wanted to do before I turned 50. I called it my “Last 40 Days of My 40s.” Soul questing! A few highlights: I went to NYC ComicCon dressed as Wonder Woman, I saw Hamilton, I danced on a bar, I took belly dance classes and performed in public, I pierced my nose (something I had been afraid to do for 20 years!), I had a tattoo that I had gotten with my ex covered up beautifully, I did a boudoir photo shoot (I highly recommend this!), I spoke at the EDUCAUSE national conference, I drank a $150 bottle of wine that I had been saving (for what?), I went skinny-dipping, I raised money for charity, I started composting, I took a burlesque class, I tried fire cupping, I made a Will, I created a cookbook of my son’s favorite recipes, and I ate dessert without feeling guilty. By the time I turned 50, I was in love with my life! I try to find adventure and joy in every day; whether it’s listening to my grandsons telling me a story or planning a trip to eat breakfast on a volcano in Bali (I’ll get there!).
When my mom died last year, I was with her. I was holding her hand and we were listening to Elvis. Sadly, my mom didn’t get to do a lot of the things she wanted to do in her too-short life. I intend to live as much life as I can in however many years I’m lucky enough to have. Some people still call me crazy. Some people think I should shrink or live quieter. Some people think it’s inappropriate that I still love to perform burlesque and do way too many public displays of affection with my too young, too handsome, bearded husband. These are not my people. And I’m okay with that. Other people say to me, “I wish I could be like you,” and it’s so filled with longing that makes me sad. There is nothing extraordinary or magic or special about me. Anyone can be like me. Go soul questing and start saying “YES!” to everything that feels like it’s authentically you! One of my favorite quotes is, “Don’t die wondering,” and I don’t intend to.
Debra Howell, Director of Information Technology Operations, Cornell University Library and soul quester.